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This essential go-to guide reveals how women can enhance their lives by creating valuable friendships in today’s busy, mobile world, from nationally recognized friendship expert and CEO of GirlFriendCircles.com.
Every woman is searching for a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life. Many realize the significant role that an intimate, tightly knit circle of friends plays in creating a more fulfilling life, but with hectic schedules, frequent moves, and life changes, it’s more important than ever for women to establish natural, meaningful friendships that will contribute to their overall wellbeing.
In Friendships Don’t Just Happen!, Shasta Nelson, friendship expert and CEO of GirlFriendCircles.com, reveals the most important proven steps, processes, and secrets vital to establishing the five different levels of friendships, or Circles of Connectedness, that women—no matter their age or relationship status—are longing for in today’s stressful and mobile culture. This revolutionary, engaging guide will also benefit women who already feel rooted to fabulous friends, with insightful principles that will help them maintain and enhance their current friendships.
Full of practical how-to tips, fun activities, guiding questions, and step-by-step instructions, Friendships Don’t Just Happen! highlights several areas of developing lasting friendships, teaching women how to:
- Evaluate their current circle of friends
- Recognize what types of friends they are seeking based on career, interests, location, and relationship status
- Create a prioritized friendship action plan
- Find extraordinary friends—where to look and how to approach them
- Take initiative to jumpstart friendships and face fears of rejection
- Establish “frientimacy,” trust, and happiness through conversation and activities
- Maintain meaningful friendships and determine which ones are worthwhile
Excerpt from Friendships Don't Just Happen:
There is a lie out there that real friendship just happens.
When I was new to San Francisco eight years ago, I remember standing at a café window on Polk Street watching a group of women inside, huddled around a table laughing. Like the puppy dog at the pound, I looked through the glass, wishing someone would pick me to be theirs. I had a phone full of far-flung friends’ phone numbers, but I didn’t yet know anyone I could just sit and laugh with in a café.
It hit me how very hard the friendship process is. I’m an outgoing, socially comfortable woman with a long line of good friendships behind me. And yet I stood there feeling very lonely. And insecure. And exhausted at just the idea of how far I was from that reality.
I knew I couldn’t just walk in there and introduce myself to them. “Hi! You look like fun women, can I join you?” I would have been met with stares of pity. No one wants to seem desperate, even if we are. We don’t have platonic pick-up lines memorized. Flirting for friends seems creepy. Asking for her phone number like we’re going to call her up for a Saturday night date is just plain weird. All the batting of my eyelashes wasn’t going to send the right signals.
And so I turned away from the scene of laughter and walked away.
No, unfortunately, friendships don’t just happen.
We Value Belonging
Friendships may not happen automatically, but what we crave about them sure seems to! We all want to belong—that need to be connected to others is an inherent desire. We live our entire lives trying to fit in, be known, attract acceptance, and experience intimacy. We desperately want to have others care about us. This book is about that hunger. And more pointedly, it is about listening to it and learning how to fulfill it.
- Sales Rank: #90400 in Books
- Brand: Nelson, Shasta
- Published on: 2013-02-12
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.97" h x .69" w x 6.19" l, .85 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 254 pages
Review
“I knew I’d adore Friendships Don’t Just Happen! as soon as I saw the title. It’s tough to make friends as an adult, and women are often made to think we’ve done something wrong if new pals don’t come easily. Shasta Nelson does a great job of breaking down how to identify the friendships you need, how to go about forging new relationships, and how to turn those relationships into true friendships. I’d recommend this book to anyone who is looking to make new friends or strengthen their existing friendships. In fact, there is no one who won’t benefit from reading Friendships Don’t Just Happen!”
—Rachel Bertsche, author of MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend
“As CEO of GirlFriendCircles.com, Shasta Nelson has made bringing women together her life’s work. Now, Shasta has written an inspiring book that empowers women to reach out and connect as individuals. Friendships Don’t Just Happen! is a call to action, offering women practical tips and tools to find and nurture meaningful friendships. The perfect workbook for someone who wants to work on their friendships!”
—Irene S. Levine, PhD, Professor of Psychiatry, NYU School of Medicine, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend
“How could it be that I made it through graduate school and yet I was never taught about healthy friendships? As I was reading Friendships Don’t Just Happen!, I had this profound wish that someone had shared all of this amazing information with me when I was much younger. This book should be required reading for women of all ages and especially for mothers of daughters.”
—Christine Bronstein, CEO of A Band of Wives, editor of Nothing But the Truth So Help Me God: 51 Women Reveal the Power of Positive Female Connection
“Loving friendships are essential to feeling fulfilled and well nourished. And this is one AWESOME book that walks us through really well laid-out steps of creating and nurturing supportive and lifelong friendships that too few of us have been taught or shown.”
—Christine Hassler, author of 20 Something, 20 Everything and 20 Something Manifesto, speaker and coach
“At a time when so many people are “friending” one another online yet reporting feelings of loneliness, Friendships Don’t Just Happen! reminds us that friendships worth creating are done with intention and significance.”
—Dale V. Atkins, PhD, psychologist, author, media commentator
""Shasta articulates and deconstructs friendship so powerfully, inspiring women to reclaim the soul of friendship and giving us the tools and language to be able to do so with depth and connection."" —Ayesha Mathews Wadhwa, Savor the Success Leader
""Shasta has created extremely powerful tools to help women evaluate . . . their friendships so they can clearly see what they need to do to have fulfilling friendships in their lives."" —Nancy Larocca Hedley, SF Coaches Programs Co-Director, 2009
""Women read books on parenting, romance, and diet all the time, but when was the last time we read about our friendships? As I read this book I was amazed by how much I didn't know that I didn't know. We need this book in huge ways! We've never been taught about the types of friends, healthy expectations, incremental vulnerability, and the steps of developing friendships. This book was so eye-opening and hope-filling. Read this book, get one for your mom, sister, friend, clients . . . the art of friendship is seeing a revival thanks to Shasta Nelson!""
—Angela Jia Kim, Founder of Savor the Success and Savor Spa
""When it comes to getting the girlfriend love you need (and we all need it!), Shasta Nelson has the path. No longer do you need to wish you had close, soulful relationships with other women; with this book as your guide, you are empowered to create them! This book is SO good, so thorough, and so perfect!""
—Christine Arylo, self-love teacher and author of Madly in Love with ME: the Daring Adventure to Becoming Your Own Best Friend
“Shasta sums up what it takes to make and sustain relationships, and validates all my neuroses about this subject. She teaches us how to nurture friendships, how to focus on what can be a most important thing in our lives . . . OUR GIRLFRIENDS!”
—Melody Biringer, Founder of www.thecravecompany.com
“When it comes to friendships, there is no better person to learn from than Shasta Nelson. Her book is a beautiful reminder of how important it is to maintain healthy friendships throughout our lives, as many women tend to put themselves and their friendships last on the to-do list!! Inspiring and practical, Shasta's step-by-step guidance is not only uplifting, it is deep and honest. She teaches us necessary skills to deal with difficult, real-life issues, and helps us move forward from what she calls 'The 5 Friendship Threats' with true forgiveness, compassion, and understanding. I highly recommend this book for every woman who yearns for a meaningful, lifelong connection to her girlfriends!!”
—Jennifer Tuma-Young, author of Balance Your Life, Balance the Scale
“Friendships Don’t Just Happen! not only strengthens and deepens current friendships, but it starts with reminding us how normal it is to actually need new friends regularly through life. It can be hard to admit when we need more friends, and even harder still to know how to develop meaningful friendships. I love how Shasta Nelson walks us through every step of the way.”
—Debba Haupert, Founder of Girlfriendology.com
From Publishers Weekly:
Admitting a lack of friendships is difficult for those who see their own desire to overcome the problem as desperation. Once a woman finds reasonably good friends, going deeper can prove difficult, particularly if several friends regularly spend time together. Nelson, a public speaker and the founder of www.girlfriendcircles.com, has a solution for women in search of close, lifelong friends and offers these clueless friends-to-be advice on what to do to make existing relationships more meaningful: all parsed down as time, respect, ""sharing questions"" and direct honesty. Nelson’s platonic girlfriend-matching website plays second fiddle here; this tome is a stand-alone compendium of tips, research, and wisdom that will help women who want more from their friendships with other women. She refrains from excessive pop psychology, outlines important distinctions in otherwise mundane concepts like “forgiveness”, and readers will learn about her central model of “frientimacy”. Much of the advice is original and of Nelson’s own design and readers will be pleasantly surprised by the depth of her knowledge about what makes healthy friendships work. (Feb.)
About the Author
"Shasta Nelson" is a nationally recognized friendship expert. She is the Founder and CEO of GirlFriendCircles.com, the only online community that matches new friends offline by connecting local women in cities across the U.S. She has been featured as a friendship expert on "The Today Show, ""The Early Show" and in "The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, The San Francisco Chronicle, The Huffington Post, Martha Stewart Radio, Essence, Parents, More, Redbook, " and "Glamour, " among others. Her current book, "Friendships Don't Just Happen!, " is the culmination of years of proven success from her work at GirlFriendCircles.com.
Shasta is also a nationally acclaimed public speaker, most recently for Tory Johnson's Spark & Hustle Tour in Chicago and at Savor the Success in San Francisco. She regularly hosts Speed-Friending events in New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and San Francisco, where she facilitates local women getting to know each other and inspires them with her book.
Most helpful customer reviews
103 of 106 people found the following review helpful.
Where was this book 5 years ago?!
By Greg Tjosvold
Where was this book 5 years ago?! 10 years ago?! I could have really used it.
With my children leaving home and my wife fighting clinical depression, I found myself feeling very alone. When the routine of sports, dance, and youth group events diminished, so did my circle of acquaintances. And friendships from the past had atrophied from the neglect of "busy and coping."
The author extols the health and well-being benefits of friendship throughout the book. The new found joy in our household is living proof of the transformative power of friends. We need them. Big duh, right? What makes "Friendships Don't Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girlfriends" important is that it teaches how to classify, grow and maintain friendships. It teaches that friendships do not need to be left to chance; we can grow them. If friends are like food and flowers in our lives, this is the ultimate friendship gardener's guide.
The author argues that not all friends are meant to be BFF's and that this is not only OK, it is to be expected. I've already used her 5 Types of Friends concept in my classroom. It is useful, as it shows friends of all types are to be valued. It also forms the foundation of her strategies for growing one type of friendship into another.
Toward the end of the book she has a section called "Friendships Don't Just Keep Happening: Be Intentional," where she covers the five friendship threats--jealousy, judgment, non-reciprocation, neglect, and blame--and helps the reader end the book with a clear plan of how to move toward the friendships that matter most to her. In my early, awkward efforts to rediscover friendship in my middle age, my lack of understanding about these threats resulted in the loss of a very good friend. This book might have prevented that painful experience.
"Friendships..." is well written and aptly paced. It is a comfortable read, with Nelson carefully guiding and cheering readers through the vulnerable process of evaluating the health of their friendship eco-system and instructing them with care on ways to make it better. Frankly, I don't think you can read this book without it changing your world for the better.
So, if I think this book is so good, why give it only 4 stars? The answer is right in the title. It is written for "girlfriends." Nelson adeptly speaks to her intended audience. Women reading the book will feel embraced and understood. However, as a man reading it, there were times I felt like I was left on the outside of the clubhouse. Heck, there is one paragraph in there that actually made me feel a tad guilty for consigning my "best-est" of BFFs, my wife, to a life of marriage. Further, the cross-gender friendships I hold so dear are also not part of the scope of this book. I can only hope that "Friendships Don't Just Happen" is successful enough to encourage the author and publisher to address the similar, yet different, needs of men. As a school teacher, I would also like to see a related book aimed at middle school students and maybe another for older teens.
When all is said and done, the core themes in "Friendships Don't Just Happen!" are universal. The wisdom Nelson presents has the potential to benefit anyone who has ever felt lonely... and isn't that all of us?
Buy this book. Give this book.
53 of 55 people found the following review helpful.
Wish Everyone Would Read This
By Sonjastwin
If you're one of those extroverts that is still having weekly girls nights with all your sorority sisters or with your Moms' club and there just aren't enough hours in the day for all your social activities, then this probably isn't the book for you. But for the rest us, it's pretty valuable. Personally, I'm a 40-something who had good friends growing up and into my 20s, but then I moved across country to a city where I didn't know a soul. Twice. Combine that with a job that requires you to put in 60 hour weeks and to travel regularly and you wake up one day and realize that you've got a bunch of acquaintances, but no close friends. It's a recipe for loneliness.
While it seems some people don't like the idea of the five circles of friendship, I think that was probably my favorite part. It made so much sense to me and explained why, when I thought I'd made good friends at work, those relationships never lasted after one of us moved on to the next job. Those situations often left me crushed and feeling like something was wrong with me. This book made me see that this was not uncommon and explained the ways in which I'd failed to expand that friendship in ways that might have allowed it to live on past the commonality of working in adjoining cubes.
This book also gives you a framework for expanding friendships beyond the casual stage if you feel that's something you lack in your life (E.g., got plenty of people in your life that you might have cup of coffee with or share a joke on Facebook with, but not one that you could ask to pick you up at the airport or at the dentist when you've just had root canal and are still under anesthesia? Then you need to expand your friendships!). It helps me understand why this can be a process that takes such a long time. That's important, because if you understand how much connection you need to deepen the relationship and you recognize that most of your casual friendships have you getting together *maybe* every couple of months (From what I've observed, exceedingly common among 30 and 40-somethings when kids, husband, and job usually take priority over friendship), then you recognize that it's not you, it's this crazy over-scheduled world we live in that has kept relationships with people you've "known" for years at such a superficial level. And knowing that helps you gain the strength to hang in there and keep trying.
All in all, I'm glad I've found this book. I may not connect with every single thing in it, but I do with most. And there are precious few books out there on this topic that I've found as useful. I'm definitely putting what I've learned to use. This is a book that I'll keep coming back to.
24 of 26 people found the following review helpful.
Really wonderful and insightful book for women in all stages of friendship
By D Adair
This book is simply lovely. My advance copy arrived last week, and I was so happy to realize that this finished book is even better than I had expected (I've been following Girlfriend Circles and Shasta's book journey for a while now). Shasta isn't just a friendship expert giving helpful definitions, how-to advice, research and framing language--although she does do all of that. She is an enormously insightful guide whose warmth, depth, and insights seep off the page. It's clear that prior to her work with women and friendship, she was a pastor. Clearly she is combining her calling and strengths in her friendship work. The chapters on vulnerability and forgiveness are up there with books I've read by other incredible life teachers like Marianne Williamson and Martha Beck. I was comforted, challenged, inspired and grown by this book--by lessons like this one on pg. 189, "Our goal is peace and happiness and our only way there is through forgiveness. There is no greater skill to possess, no more meaningful choice to be made, no further place to grow our maturity than in the moment when we are provoked to forgive." It's this depth and soul-level work that looks both inward and outward to our relationships with others that makes this book so helpful and meaningful.
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